Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
