Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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