After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
