Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i dont even know how to be here
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
