You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
