i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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