i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
