I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He did a backflip because drugs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
