I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What a dumb baby whore.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
