Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
