I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
