Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
