Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
