There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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