So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
