I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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