Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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