All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
