She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
