You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
