took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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