my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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