Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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