So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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