Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
