Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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