Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
