Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
