im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
