Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
