If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
