....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
