ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Vodka?
Forever.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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