my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
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Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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