I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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