Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
