My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
