he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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