I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
