So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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