the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
