you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
