she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
