She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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