Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
