update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i believe in u and ur pee
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
