you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
