we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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