OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
babies were throwing up all over the place
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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