The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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