I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
