I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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