@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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