I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
