I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
