Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
