my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
