a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
