haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
