You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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