Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
